Giving vs. Taking

Read time:

12–18 minutes

Decades ago, I read an article that ranks among the most life-defining pieces I’ve ever experienced. It has changed my life, likely disproportionate to the hopes of the writer. The premise was simple: great public speakers give to the audience instead of take. Regardless of the actual content or format, a speaker/presenter can either gift the audience an experience or use the audience as a means of validation. And as social animals we easily pick up on it, whether consciously or subconsciously, feeling gifted or drained. Those that give are able to transform the audience, while the impact of those that take are limited to the feelings they seek to validate. I knew the difference and I knew that I wanted to give. And while relevant to my speech and debate competitions at the time, the simple premise of giving vs. taking has continued to frame how to consider each facet of life.

Short story of this piece is – 1) everything is a stage where we can either give or take, and 2) we were made to take from God and give to people, in both who we are and what we are about.

We are all made to give. Because life is in the giving.

Everything Is a Stage Where We Either Can Give or Take

Giving is when a stage is viewed by its role for an audience, while taking sees the stage as merely its position to an audience.

The role of a stage is to invite the audience to change by what they experience.

To illustrate the role of traditional stages:

TED Talks impart logos (the persuasion of logic) where you experience thought content and are invited to change your perspective from new considerations
Broadway Theater imparts pathos (the persuasion of emotion) where you experience a presentation of story telling are invited to change your perspective from empathy
Presidential Debates impart ethos (the persuasion of credibility) where you experience a contest of ideas and are invited to change your perspective from your judgement

Let’s stretch beyond the traditional formats – we all have three stages:

Our family
Our workplace/profession
Our community/social settings

And in each, the audience has the experience of our interaction and purpose where we can either give or take.

Giving or Taking Identity

When it comes to interactions, giving is where the members of the audience experience you.

I can either be a joy to be around, or be hoping that’s how other people find me. I can be kind or look for the reaction of someone else to determine that I am, indeed, kind. I can be excellent in my work, or be looking for recognition (or the lack of criticism) to confirm my hope of being excellent.

Taking is where the reaction of the audience determines who we are or validates who we hope to be. Remember, we are also member of that audience, viewing ourselves.

When we take, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others. We are looking for the validation of who we want to be. From this place, everything is a performance to be judged by the praise or criticism, or interpretation thereof. It is fear-based, and we are limited to what we are not, limited to what people tell us about ourselves from our interpretation of their treatment towards us.

I am loved because I was considered in someone’s plans. I am great because I am respected and acknowledged. I belong here because I fit in. As long as people welcome me, I am a joy to be around. My confidence is limited to the evidence that says I can be confident.

In this place, I am reliant on the feedback of my environment to tell me who I am. This is the source of fear and all its fruits – insecurity, anxiety, a need to control, perfectionism, and pressure because we are at the mercy of our external circumstances to tell us who we are. And maybe that works for a time because there is always a well to draw from – the question is how deep and free is it?

It is also toxic to those taken from. We are all human, and we weren’t made to be the givers of identity. Some will recognize it and push away while others may indulge out of pity or ignorance until they find themselves burdened by you. And then it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because fear begets what is feared. Worst yet, most of the time, we are interpreting the feedback of others incorrectly because, as mentioned, we are limited to not being something we fear that we are and sensitive to the things we are trying to avoid.

Important to note, this is equally applicable between those we are see themselves as victims of their environment and those that seek to control the environment – both need the environment to validate who they are.

Giving is where you bring yourself to the audience. Where everyone receives and experiences who you are.

In bringing identity, I am who I am, despite the reaction from others and what their behavior towards me says about me, not because of it. It separates the judgement from the reaction to my behavior from the judgement of my value in who I am. It says, I am not what I do. I am who I am whether others see it or not. Because no person can give me my identity. Because I am greater than what people imagine about me.

From this place, I am a source of all things. A radiance of peace, joy, and belonging, capable of hosting friendship and acceptance because there is capacity for more than just you in who you are. I can be great in any environment, because regardless whether I am in the quick lane for promotion, I am a person of excellence. It is who I am, it is what I do. I am a friend to all, whether they accept my friendship or not. I am loving, because I am a lover, not because people deserve or recognize my love.

It is also a place of freedom, because if the feedback of others do not hold weight against the core identity of who you are, then even the most negative reactions to you doesn’t hold the weight of shame or accusation. All mistakes are to our benefit! Distinguishing identity from behavior empowers us to be free to grow and learn in the expression of who we are, rather than needing to in order to be good enough.

Consider the classic line, “Think what you want about me, I’m not changing,” in Dell Griffith’s response in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Del Griffith was annoying and irritating, loud and obnoxious. To tell him otherwise would be unkind and a disservice. Yet, the threat of that being true creates defensiveness if it bears weight on the value of identity. Disconnecting identity from behavior frees people to change and grow because there is no “being good enough.” We accept the feedback with excitement as a way of growing outwardly the person we are inside.

Giving or Taking Purpose

When it comes to purpose, giving is where the entire room experiences what you are about.

I can either be a source of influence, change, and transformation because that is what I am about, or I could be limited to what my environment validates about me. I could be reacting to the stimulus of the moment, or I could intentionally pursue priorities that bring value, growth and change. I can either pursue a path through a storm or seek to just stay afloat.

Taking is where each stage defines your purpose.

From this place, the circumstances of my family, work, community, tell me what is possible. It asks me to be about the present need, from the priorities established by expectation. Reacting to the expectations and pressures set by the environment and culture, a slave to what “success” looks like based on external circumstance. This is agnostic to the kind of personality someone is, whether Type A or B, you can be someone who is about what your circumstance tells you is possible.

This is a source of defeatism and shame. Frustration and limitation. Depression, because if we were defined by what surrounds us… bleak situations bring bleak results. Where resistance kills motivation, intimidation from the impossibility saps the breath of life from any vision. Comparison brings shame and quickly looks to kill any ambition from what is greater than your environment.

Giving is where each stage is the recipient of your purpose.

From this place, I am about the priorities that I set because I determined they are important. I seek to bring forth what I think is best. Of course, this can and should work in concert with the input from others, but it is birthed from a company not tied down to the present circumstance. I don’t wait to prepare for things I know are coming in my future. I have a reason to invest in the things that I want to build and see bear fruit. Small beginnings ARE a thing that I am about, because I don’t need the grandness of something to tell me it is something worth pursuing.

Consider all historical examples of those driven by hope to bring forth a vision that transforms the world into better. They weren’t asked into it, they weren’t given favorable circumstances, they brought forth the glory of what they saw possible.

This is a source of undaunted confidence, fierce resolve, continued hope driven by what is possible instead of daunted by what currently is. Source of flexibility, adaptability, relatability, with the freedom to pivot and restructure because there is no value tied down to our first attempt, and failure only provides the helpful information to adjust. For the vision matters, and the hope is to improve the present.

And the vision/hope can be grand or small in the application, the scale of the hope does not matter. The authenticity of it, does.

Identity Informs Purpose

The order is important. Consider those that pursue great vision, because they need to be great. Then it is just another way of creating an external circumstance to validate what they want to be.

It bears repeating, identity informs purpose. We do because we are. We don’t do in order to be someone. We can try, but as Steve Backlund said, “You cannot sustainable do, what you don’t believe you are.” And if we are in pursuit of validation from the environment to tell us, even by our own forces, we are drawing from a well that may have some depth, but the cost will crack us.

Without standing on a strong identity, stage serves to provide both the purpose and identity. And it is woefully insufficient.

We Take From God and Give To People

The key to giving, is that identity and purpose doesn’t come from outside of us. If we rely on something else, we will be at its mercy. Tossed by the waves – up and down, having highs and lows, destined to either crash on the rocks or be lost at sea. Or we can stand on a rock, fixed in the truth. Truth stands firm, a fixed point that remains fixed in the midst of a storm.

But we can’t give what we don’t have. We can be delusional and dishonest with ourselves out of the same defensive fear and anxiety and claim grand things because we need things to be grand to feel good about ourselves. But that isn’t real, and it shows. If we have, we have whether we feel like we have or not. Again, there is always a well to draw from. But the real question is, how deep and free is it?

So, if my external circumstances are not trustworthy, and I only have what I receive, where do I take?

The Truth itself. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is the source of all truth, He is the source of all life, He is the source of our destiny.

The truth is… I was fashioned by the hands of God with the shards of eternity. Out of His likeness, He made me. The person I am shares the greatness God. I am both spirit and flesh, where the flesh is a reflection and expression of my spirit. And my spirit was dead! And my flesh reflected it, being a slave to judgment and the fear of judgment, not only from Him but from others and myself. I was dead from the accusation of not being good enough, and it being true. And yet, God made me out of love, and chooses me out of love. To where while I was still dead, He came and died for me, so that I may have the option of coming alive in Him and sharing in His glory in the present moment and in the age to come. And these things that are true for me, are true for everyone else.

Ephesians 2 captures it all:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our wrongdoings, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the boundless riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 2:4-7

I am alive in Christ (identity) and seated in the heavenly places with Christ (purpose).

Being alive in Christ, covered with the blood of Jesus (not an exhaustive list, but a primary one):

I am a loved son, in whom God Almighty is my Father and is well pleased with me (Matthew 3:17, Ephesians 1:5)
I am a citizen of God’s own household, a member of His Kingdom (Ephesians 2:19)
I am the glory of God, a holy temple for the presence of His Spirit (Ephesians 2:22)
I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14)
I am a priest before God, for all (1 Peter 2:9)

My identity also informs my purpose, and is the result of who I am, not first found in what I do:

As a loved son, I bring the love of God to others (John 13:34)
As a member of His Kingdom, I advance His kingdom in every place, with power, glory and blessing (Revelation 5:13)
As the glory of God, I reveal the knowledge of Him and the fragrance of Christ in every place (2 Corinthians 2:15)
As the light, I bring forth revelation, healing, and wisdom, the way to life, to those around me
As a priest before God, I minister to Him and others being one who stands between the dead and living, redeeming the time, being a source of redemption and freedom

Pull away every THING in my life and this is what you’ll find. Because this is what He has established within me. Everything then, is an expression of truth, not the determiner of truth. As for my part, I can live in accordance with this truth, growing in and being mindful of the truth in all things, or I can be tossed around by feelings and subject to the harassments of lies.

What Peace, Hope, and Power

So then, in every conversation I have with others I am not seeing to pull validation from them, but to give them attention, love and respect. And what validation and encouragement does come from them, comes ultimately from God since it is the truth He established and the voice of His Spirit speaking through others to me. So we take from God and we give to others. Even when we take from others, we take from God who is giving through them. I am free to be the man that I am, despite the circumstances around me and as a result bring forth transformational change. The outside is an expression of what is within. And I am not on the hook to “keep up” appearances.

What peace.

So then, in every environment, I am the source of change, direction, influence, and hope. I do not look for my situation to tell me that we are able, or invited me to play my part. I play my part. I don’t look for my circumstance to give me the path forward. I set our direction and bring it forth. The inside brings forth the transformation the outside will experience.

What hope.

In this way, no one is on the hook for identity. No thing determines the limits of what we are about. And as a result, we are unleashed, to live from a place of success, not towards one. We walk from a place of being loved, not after one. We walk with the hope for all, bringing power, influence, and change towards every situation around us, not looking to be filled by it.

What power.

In the truth, there is life and the abundance of it (John 10:10).